A New Beginning

I’m sorry that I disappear,
I’m sorry that I did these things,
I’m sorry that I pushed you away,
And for all the pain it brings.

I really want to change all this,
To stop giving all this pain,
Because what hurts you hurts me too,
Especially if I’m to blame.

To change all this will push me,
Because it’s how I’ve lived my life,
But I’m trying to change with all my heart,
To put away this knife.

I no longer want to stay away,
I don’t want to disappear,
Because all that comes from this,
Is others pain and fear.

So when once more I want to leave,
When I think my life is through,
I hope that I can stop and stay,
And talk things through with you.

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I wrote this for someone I hurt, and I’m really trying to change so I won’t hurt them again.

To my superficial friends, you know who you are,
To you my death would never leave a scar.
I’ll fade to a memory of a boy who once was
Always happy in your eyes and that’s just because
You never stopped to look clearly, to see trapped inside
The tortured soul that wept there, and always just lied.
For if the truth you knew, you would never stay,
You’d be silent, not helpful, and just drift away.

To my family who hid, you never did know,
Even when I let all these old scars show,
You were blind to the truth, you never could see,
The fake that replaced what once was me.
So I gave up waiting for you to come around,
For this smile masks one who was never found,
And because of this I never wanted you to stay,
I put all my effort into pushing you away.

To the people I let in, though you number few,
I always treasured my time spent with you.
Those were times I was happy, or let misery show,
And when you were there for me my love did grow.
For with you I felt whole, I felt finally free,
I was never afraid to let go, to just be me.
For the truth you were told, but still you did stay,
Until I fell too far and pushed you away.

To those that saw the truth, but didn’t want to believe,
Don’t let this burden you, I wanted to deceive,
Don’t get stuck on the what ifs, for it would hurt me more,
For if you could’ve changed things, you would’ve done before.
I hate to do this to you, and I hate what I’ve become,
But I know of nothing else so I shut it all out and run.
I don’t want to do this, but I can no longer stay,
I must free myself from this lie, and just drift away.

With scars on my wrists and tears in my eyes,
I hide the pain that I feel inside.

With death on my mind and tears in my eyes,
I hate how my whole life has become one big lie.

With a blade in my hand and tears in my eyes,
All I want to do is leave this life behind.

With the blood flowing freely and tears in my eyes,
I begin to regret my decision to die.

I’m sorry I must go but I’ll leave you with this,
For it’s you who are one of the few I shall miss,
I’ll be back in a week if I come back at all,
For it is my demons or I that must fall.
I must shake off this cutting curse all on my own,
So that once again when I’m left all alone,
Instead of turning back to my blade to cope,
I’ll put it away and look forward with hope.